Wow your post really resonated with me. Diagnosis really hit me hard too. I was diagnosed 2 months into my 3 month probation for a FTSE company as a software engineer. I was 37 at the time. When diagnosed I had no space for anything and work was the 1st to go. I had 2 months “off” of work and then I did what I could manage to do without taking any pay cut and I managed to keep my job and 3 years later I am still here. I would commute 70 miles each way to work but doing reduced hours because of the times I took my medication in the morning and evening because I am on Nilotinib. I wasn’t ever going to carry pills with me on my commute in case I lost them and at that time taking every single pill religiously made me nervous in case I missed a dose.
The capacity for work was extremely hard, mentally I was so messed up. I lost passion for everything. I felt angry, cheated, shocked and very sad. I cried all the time.
Since diagnosis everything has been different and a lot of it believe it or not for the better. The passion will return and so will the drive. Don’t force it let it come naturally. Like you I have no real desire to better my career prospects at the moment because it’s safe and comfortable where I am. But as time is going on I am getting more itchy to spread my wings but can I deal with the pressure and the change this time in my life.
If we are responding to treatment we should try our best to continue living life. But I do live for the moment. I practice mindfulness and meditation since my diagnosis and it changed my life in so many ways and all for the better.
You’ll hopefully discover what works for you and that passion one day will come again. But it is about a work life balance. I don’t care so much for material things. As long as I have my wonderful family and select couple of friends, a roof over my head and fairly comfortable what else in life is there to really aspire too. Success is subjective and there is so much more success to attain rather than the success of a career.
CML has taught me life is very fragile, a thin line, can change in an instant. I am just grateful for every day that I get to be with my wife and kids, family and friends. What else really matters?